This was suppose to be a blog about women who are lost due to previous domestic violence.

When I started this blog is was suppose reach women. Women that had been caught in domestic violence when there wasn’t a word for domestic violence.

I came from a time where no one acknowledged batters. There were no women’s shelters. No such thing as DV and no police protection. It was considered a family affair. To be worked out within the family and you didn’t hang out your dirty wash. You were alone with no where to turn.

I was 16 when I was exposed to sexual violence. I was 18 when I married my Abuser. And had a child. That’s when the shoving, getting thrown down stairs, threatened with a towel rack he ripped out of the wall. I told my mother. I had left. She told me to learn to be quite. I had no exposure to social services and had no way out, without a support system. So I stayed. I figured I didn’t have any broken bones or bruises. I guess I felt the same way. A friends mom Mrs. M had to go to hospital with a broken arm caused by my friends dad. Everyone thought no big deal. Mrs m probably deserved it!! Another friends older sister had six kids and her husband was an abuser. Her kids were always living with the grandma. But we didn’t think much about it. That was the way everyone thought about wife beaters. The women were embarrassed, humiliated, financially stretched and there was a stigma to go along with it. No one was sticking up for the victim. So you stayed silent after reaching out and getting no help.

I left several times. First when I was first married and had one child, my son. Once when I had two kids, the youngest being 2 and a half, my mom borrowed money from her sister and bought me a ticket to get to their home in N Y. Leaving my house in California. My ex’s mother was upset that I came home and sent him a plane ticket to come back to NY too. That confused the reason I was back in NY. To leave!! My parents backed off and I wound up returning to California. It didn’t last long. But for a time we became born again Christians and I thought we were going to make it. And we did for awhile. I got pregnant again on birth control. I thought I just didn’t take them correctly, but looking back they probably were not strong enough. And then I got pregnant with twins!!! That was such a disaster. Three kids under 18 months old. That was the beginning of the end.

He got a new job and he made friends with a single dad and his circle of friends. All had kids, but none lived with them. I was home taking care of the five kids. I had been trying to get to community college, but he went first. He eventually lost his job, again. He got a job in LA and I stayed behind and found a job. I had to find day care. Which I found thru a life saving program called childcare network. It paid for all five to a child care provider. The provider made more than me working!

I was going to make it. I couldn’t continue the way it was. By now all the shoving and poking and throwing things had turned into actual physical abuse. I don’t remember when, sometime when the twins were young, maybe babies, it happened that he had me on the floor in a corner kicking me and then he spit on me. I think I remember my oldest daughter jumping on his back to get off me. I don’t remember what I did, where I went, I think I just blocked it out. I didn’t want to call the police because it was so embarrassing. Besides where would I go with five kids. I am sure it wasn’t much after that incident that I didn’t move. He moved to LA and I stayed in our house. I did own a house. That was the only thing that kept me going, a safe place, in a safe neighborhood , with my kids all in the same school. If I hadn’t had my own home and had to find a rental, I never would have survived.

I went to the adult learning center and received my typing certificate. It was an in to a temporary position as a secretary to the dean of students. I was thrilled. I had to get a shorthand certificate for a position as secretary. I did it!!! Hadn’t taken shorthand since High School. The kids were in daycare. The twins and their older sister and the two oldest, my son and daughter went after school. It was a challenge. I had a very old car that the one door didn’t open. Thanks that we didn’t need each in a big car seat. Three in car seats would never had worked. I felt alive. I could have gone on welfare, but my self esteem was low enough from the abuse, I didn’t need to feel even more stigmatized. Besides dealing with the social service system was horrific. I had to deal with them when I was pregnant with twins. He had lost his job. Anyway I was surviving. I did get a loan from my dad to pay the electric bill. Then my dad died.

My mother had already passed away almost three years previous. My dad was helping. He had talked about giving me his house and building another with his girlfriend that I think he planned on marrying. He died, February 19,1979. How could this be happening. I lost my mom when I was 27, and now my dad at 29. He was only 61.

I flew home to NY., with an aunt that had been visiting. I was very upset. Losing both my parents, and me trying to make it on my own. I was an only child, so I didn’t have family or close family.

My fathers brother and wife came to the house. We had the funeral and guests came back to the house, just like we did when my mother died. I was pregnant with the twins when my mother was dying of pancreatic cancer. No one told me because I was pregnant. They told me after they were born and we immediately started to drive in our van across country. The van broke down on the freeway outside of Scottsdale. We called a taxi to pick us up snd take us to nearest hotel. We had to rent two rooms!! We put the van in the shop and flew to NY. We stayed, but ex had a new job, the one where he had all his buddies. So after two weeks we flew back to Arizona, picked up the van and drive back to California. My mother died the next week.

Now my dad. My ex called and said he would be flying in with the kids. He did. He left fir California. I stayed in. Two bedroom, one bath house with me and five kids. I put the oldest two in school. The septic backed up and flooded the basement. The porch fell apart snd I had my first visit to a counselor. I was falling apart. I stayed and took care of business. But I knew I couldn’t do the winters alone with five kids. He wasn’t sending any support, so I had to get back to straighten things out. He thought “she has money from her inheritance, let her support them!!!

I stayed in NY until school was finished in June and had someone drive my dads big van to California. I flew back to our home in California.

Back home, I settled in and signed up fir classes at the community college. I had only been able to take one it two classes up until now. Having a van now and money to attend I was thrilled. I put the twins in the day care center on campus and the older daughter started kindergarten. He moved back to the house from LA where he had been living in an apartment at the really nice Belmont shores.

I thought maybe without the stress of money, things would change. Wrong!! He had a girlfriend, one of the group from his buddies at his last job. It was over a year till I fled fit divorce, but I have no recollection of that year.

One morning getting the kids ready for school and me for classes. He tuned off the dishwasher. When I asked why? He said it wasted to my energy. Meaning I should wash the dishes by hand. An agurment ensued and he kept picking up the dining room heavy oak chairs snd smashing them on the oak table until he cracked the leg. Somehow he got ahold of me snd was holding me firm and punching me. Never in the face. Then he left for work. I am as in a daze? Hysterically crying. I didn’t think he had the nerve to come home, but he did. That’s when I called the police. I wanted him arrested. I wanted him gone. When the police arrived he told them he had no idea what was wrong. Didn’t have a clue. So the cop took ME to county mental health because I was acting crazy!!! On the ride, thrush my tears I showed him my arm that was black and blue from the mornings beating. He waited fir me and took me home and told him to leave. No arrest, no follow up. Just leave.

The next day I filed for divorce and got a restraining order.


Moving day is Thursday!! Moving from air bnb to hotel on the beach.

Well it’s time to move. I thought about Mazalan. Or I heard Puerta de Escondido was good. Being a retired, solo over 65 women makes it a little trickier. I have no need to go back to USA. My kids, four girls aren’t really there. I don’t see my grandkids. My twins take care of their father!! It gets me crazy. So traveling keeps me sane!!

Well I can’t even afford Mexico!!

I started this journey with my so called friend Leon. But he and I parted ways in Playa del Carmen. I went on ahead to Guadalajara and he went to Cancun. I stayed in GA fir a few days and moved on to PV.

I have made friends here with other ex-pats. And as of next week I am moving closer to the Malecon and friends. The neighborhood I am in now is truly Mexican. No tourists here. It’s about 4 blocks to Avenida Mexico and another ten blocks to the malecon. I have eaten Carnitas from the carnitas truck. Tacos from the taco truck. Seafood from the seafood truck. There not trucks but carts I guess. Anyway you can eat pretty thrifty by just eating from the little stores along the street. Today it didn’t rain! But then it’s humid. Can’t win. Walked up the street to a totally Mexican town atmosphere. I was looking fir the panderia for pastry. But it was closed. One place was packing pineapples. Another had fresh seafood. It’s really interesting walking in these little colonias. This is how it is to live in Mexico. You look up and it us all jungle!!! I want to go zip lining thru the jungle!!! I have been on a real tight budget. Seems I don’t have enough social security to live in the USA. And it seems I don’t ha r enough to live in Mexico either! I forgot to put away fir my retirement! Oh I forgot I had to raise my five kids!

I thought about moving along to Mazalan, Mx. It is known for a famous cartel in the state of Sinola. But not if you stay in the safe zones. Life is a gamble, so I decided to leave my Mexican colonia and moved into a hotel by the Bay of Banderas. Closer to my friend from San Diego. Lots of Canadians here in PV. Meet one at hair salon yesterday. She was a trip!! So I sort of feel like part of the ex/pat community. Different from being a tourist.

Here in Puerta Vallarta

I like Puerta vallarta. Beautiful malecon (boardwalk) to stroll along the bay. plenty of stores, restaurants and bars. Beautiful sculptors. Nice people, amazing food. Definitely nice. A little hot. But it rains almost every night around seven.

Wow-leaving Las Vegas!!

Well I just checked and I hadn’t written anything since May 2021. I am gone, left in June. It was hot, I lived in a room most of the pandemic Las Vegas stint. I like Vegas, but not to live!!!

Solana Beach

Spent most of July in beautiful Solana Beach. My sons favorite surfing spot!! But I had one more stop before Mexico. It was to visit friends that live in California Hot Springs in the Giant Sequoias National Park.

California Hot Springs

Down Mexico Way

Then I left for Mexico!!!! First stop Cancun. Didn’t see anything of Cancun except the airport where we spent an hour haggling with taxi drivers to take us to a hotel that we had no idea what or where it was. This was Leons way of winging it!!

We wound up at a $12 a night hotel, in the middle of who knows where, that cost $35. I would have sleep in anything that had a bed, a/c, a sink, a toilet without a seat, broken window in bathroom

Playa del Carmen

Well Playa del Carmen had it’s charm. After all it’s on the Caribbean, the Yucatán peninsula. Mexican riviera. White sand beach’s and awesome blue water. But until they clean up lots of seaweed, it will be tough to enjoy. And it does not smell particularly pleasant! Also the 5th Avenue was attractive. It had every high end store and restaurant. I called it rodeo drive of playa. I left after three days. Way too hot and humid. I couldn’t enjoy much. I did walk to the end of rodeo to the Caribbean and ate at a beach bar restaurant that had the most fabulous tuna. Fresh uncooked tuna. It was to die for. Also we walked down to a place at the end that had the most spectacular grove of trees. A guy from Seattle, who I met at coffee shop, told me it was where the Mayans found water. It was really beautiful and it had the most interesting resort with thatched roof hotel suites. Did not think to ask to see the inside. Should have but didn’t think to ask for a tour because I was so freakin hot and sweaty. Did not go in the Caribbean. That I regret. But I left. Took a bus back to Cancun airport and flew to Guadalajara. Rented a room at a best western in the historic district. It was not like the nice photos. But it did include breakfast at the restaurant next door.

Guadalajara was a huge city. It had lots of incredible architecture and history of which Zi did not see much. I rode on the light rail. Took a bus to Lake Chalapa for an hour. Wanted to check out this place that was suppose to be the largest community of ex-pats in the world. Left bus, strolled along the nice side walked streets with nice shops and got back on bus. Didn’t see the lake. I saw enough. Maybe it was I wanted ocean not lake. Or I didn’t figure out how to find the lake. Been there, done that.

Onward onto Puerta Vallarta. Now I took another big, comfy bus to PV. And took a cab to my hotel I booked ahead of time. On the taxi ride from bus station, the sky’s opened up snd the streets flooded. I seriously thought we were in a hurricane. I mean the taxi couldn’t even park properly because he was sliding away. Had to go around block again. I struggled to get suitcases out of taxi up on the sidewalk, which was high, probably because of flooding. ya think. Then up the stairs, three of them. Thank god the desk clerk, tiny as she was, came out to help. I was completely drenched. Go to check in snd realize I must have left my phone in the taxi or it floated down the street!!! Oh well. Unfortunately I had texted friends and family member that I thought I was in a hurricane. They did not know what happened until after noon the next day when the taxi driver returned it!! Someone suggested calling my phone, and guess who answered, the taxi driver. I told him I would pay him to return it, which I did. Losing my phone would not have made me happy. Nice driver. Except he didn’t get out of the cab to help me with suitcases. Not that I could blame him. He still had to drive the taxi.

The hotel room was great. Everything I needed and wanted. Outside my slinging glass door was a very nice pool. Outside tables and an unopened that served coffee and cookies every morning. I met a guy the night I arrived who was from San Diego. So that was nice for me, having lived there for 50 years. We discovered we went to the same college and grad school. He had lived where I lived. Went to school where my twins went fir a short time. It was crazy. His wife is from Spain and she had also lived in America. They introduced me to their friends at the local watering hole. Many nice restaurants and bars.


I am still here in Las Vegas. Things are opening up due to loosening of restrictions.

I am not sure I will like living here, but I will give it a try. I do miss San Diego and the ocean. I dont know if I will ever be able to live there again. I sold my house in 1999 after 27 years. Then lived on the beautiful mission Bay for 16 years. Since leaving San Diego in 2016, I have been arollin stone!! Mostly because I cant afford to live in SD after living there for close to 50 years. Life took me on a different journey. I lived travelling and living in a foreign country. I like not being attached to a place. I’ll see where this leads me!

Living in Las Vegas!!

It’s been awhile since I have been on my blog.

I returned to the USA on December 25, 2018.  I had left Cambodia and travelled to Thailand to Pattata where my friend Mike lived.

What a nightmare trip I had from Siem Reap, Cambodia to the border of Thailand. The border is really disorganized. Its crowed. There are no clear signs. You need to have thai baht the when you cross over. I was sort of lost. I looked around for the first white person. Hoping they spoke English. Success, I asked a gentleman if he spoke English, he did. He was Australian!! I told him my problem and he told me to follow him, which I did. Unfortunately when we arrived at the correct location, I had missed a step. I needed something on my passport stamped by the police. So I had to return to find the police. My Auzzi friend went on ahead. But at least I knew where to go back to for immigration. and Cambodia. I

I found the policeman, but I had heard not to trust them. Somehow I found what I needed and returned to immigration. There were lots of people waiting in line, but it went quickly. When I approached the window, I was told I had to talk with someone. This was not feeling good.

Sitting at a big desk was a stern looking Thai official. She said I couldnt go over to Thailand because they only allow two land across overs a year. I said I had’nt had cross overs. Then it occurred to me that I did, I went once with the guy from Texas who had his Visa expire and I went with him to the border to get his visa. Of course we had no Thai money, so I had to figure out where to get thai baht. We found an ATM that thank God I had money in the bank and got the money to pay for his Visa. That was one trip over the border to Thailand and back. The second trip was bringing the same guy over the border in an ambulance. The hospital he had been at in Siem Reap was expensive and he needed to get to better care in Thailand. So that was my second cross over. I called my friend Mike in Pattaya and had him connect me to the doctor of the Texas guy to tell this Thai lady official that I had gone over because of sick man. She talked with doctor, laughed and smiled. I thought ok, I can cross over. Nope, cant cross over. I pleaded with her. Even offered some money, on the suggestion of friend Mike. Nope. I was told I could fly in. Then I realized I had a cab waiting in Thailand to drive me to Mike’s in Pattaya. Thank God I found the cabbie’s card. The lady called for me. I told her to tell him to go ahead without me with my luggage and go to Mike’s house. So I paid for a cab to drive my suitcases seven hours in a cab!!!

So back thru immigration to find a cab back to Siem Reap airport in Cambodia. It’s a hour and a half ride back.

I found a cab with other people, who did not speak English. On the way back. They turned off the main road, down a dirt road. It was dark now and my phone was dead. After a long trip down thus road, we stopped. People came out if the trees. I was terrified. I thought I was going to die. But there was nothing I could do but sit there watching what was going on. Someone got in. They were picking up another passenger. Thank God. I was’nt going to be robbed and left dead!!!

I made it back to Siem Reap airport. I tried to find immigration, but it was closed because it was late. I was exhausted. I was stressed. Not knowing if they were going to let me fly into Bangkok, Thailand. I was so tired. I called my tuk-tuk driver Sophoan to come to the airport and get me. But by the time he got there. I had gotten a ticket to Thailand. But it was great to see him. I had been sitting outside with my phone plugged into a outside socket because I needed my phone. If course when I arrived in Thailand I would need to buy a new sim card with Thai number.

I kissed Sophan good bye and got online to board the plane!! I don’t know how long the flight was, but probably one or two hours. I still had to get from Bangkok to Pattaya, which was another hour or two.

I arrived in Bangkok, and found a cab that would drive me to Mike’s in Pattaya. I arrived at Mike’s, after some difficulty telling the cab driver. He was on the phone with Mike getting directions. He was’nt familiar with Pattatya. Mike picked up my luggage from the bus depot that he directed the other taxi that had driven without me for seven hours!! By the way, Mike speaks Thai. He is not Thai, but learned thirty years ago when he first went to Thailand to date girls!!

What a nightmare. By now I was sick. Coughing, sneezing and exhausted. I did get sleep and the next day we went to Nan’s house, Mike’s ex Thai wife. Beautiful house and Nan was always very gracious. It was Christmas day and Nan had planned dinner and a drive over to Rayong where the Texas guy was in a hospital. That’s a whole other story. But Mike was cranky. He did’nt want to drive to Rayong, which was maybe 45 minutes away. Anyway, I too was cranky and I decided to leave. I had him drive me to a hotel and said good-bye. I checked in. Got a beautiful room overlooking the bay. Merry Christmas!!

Twenty years

It didnt happen all at once. The youngest were now twenty-five years old. We had lived thru the agony of losing a son and brother. For ten years after his murder we had to regroup. Three of the girls were still in high school. Being just fifteen and sixteen. The twins had a birthday that February on the 28th or 29th I cant remember because they were leap year twins. Their older sister had a Birthday that February, the 18th, two days after her brother was murdered at her 20th birthday party at her house. Yes, she had moved in with several other college students and decided to have her party. Every ten years she would be reminded on her 30th, 40th, 50th etc. That her brother was gone ten more years.

It took quite a while for her to even allow me to talk of her brother Jerry. It was just in the last few months, and it had been thirty years this February 16th. She never did get counseling. She said it was a waste. The girls tried but didnt like it. I went. I was prescribed anti depressants. I tried going to “Parents of Murdered Children” (POMC). But to be a a large group of people, telling their horrible stories was too much for me, being there alone. I needed support. The girls would’nt go. My parents had already passed away and I had no siblings and had no husband or significant other. I had been divorced ten years before my son died. And there had’nt been much time for a lasting relationships with five kids under the age of twelve. With working and going to college, there was only so much time for romance.

Twenty years is how long I have lived in pain. No not the pain of losing my son. The pain of losing his sisters. Not by a knife, but by their own doing.

I am reclaiming my life.

Today I have decided that I am going to reclaim my life. For the past twenty years, ten years after my oldest child and only son was murdered by a group of men that claimed to be the Linda Vista Crips. The man who actually drove a knife into my sons heart, is still in prison. It was thirty years February 16th. That I lost my son.

Impeachment #2

Well DT did it again. He will be the first American President impeached twice!! Good. And 10 republicans in the house voted along with democrats to impeach DT. He was impeached because of his inciting violence that led to the breach and destruction of the capital. And storming into the chambers. These people who identify from all sorts of different groups; proud boys, women for America, all right wing white nationalists. Intermingled with white evangelicals that give this movement the cover of doing this for god, for Jesus to be precise. What a crock!!

Enough is enough

I have spent almost four years listening to Donald J. Trump. I couldnt believe he had won in the first place. To me Trump was the guy that kept harassing President Obama, that he wasnt born in The USA. And because of that he was an illegitimate president because presidents need to be natural born citizens. Of course Obama was born in USA. He was born on Hawaii. His mother was American and his father was from Kenya. So what. But DJT had to keep it up for years. Obama even showed DJT a birth certificate. Which he did not need to do. He just wanted to shut him up, but it didnt. Finally big mouth finally stopped. Probably not until Obama was leaving office, turning it over to Donald!!

Can you imagine the horror when I woke up in the morning in my apartment I Cambodia to Donald John Trump had won the presidency. OMG how could this have happened?? He was the guy on TV that fired people on his awful show, The Apprentice. He was the creep in the tabloids for getti g divorced, then getting married, then getting divorced. Then getting married. Yikes this guy was a mess. He built casinos in Atlantic City. Then lost casinos in AC. Went bankrupt, I believe 7 times. Sued everyone, all the time. Stiffs contractors and sub contractors. People sued him all the time also. One big one were students of Trump University, sued him and he had to pay 25 million buck a roos to the defrauded students.

Calling Dr Fauci!!

Well since Dr Fauci testified at the senate hearing and gave his medical expert Testimony concerning the covid19, it seems that T was not any too happy . He stated he did not agree. Since T does not have a medical degree or as far as I can tell any wiff of compentency concerning a pandemic I put my money on Fauci. But I am sure we will not be seeing much of the beloved Dr. Fauci anytime soon.