So if we dont test….

This person in charge just said”if you dont test you dont have cases.” So dont test and the covid 29 will magically disappear. Puff. It’s not there because the tests say so!!! This is bat shit crazy.

Can’ t travel-and have no idea when travel will ever be back!

I travelled to Thailand and Cambodia. I lived there. I dont know if that will ever be possible in the near future. Health care has bern a concern on Cambodia. Thailsnd has great healthcare. Buy it get insurance to cover you if you live there is another story.

The guy from Texas who fell sick in Cambodia and I travelled to Surin in Thailand in an ambulance recently died. My friend at the other end outside Pattaya, Thailand found him a semi hospital setting. He didnt even know him. But found him a place along with his Thai wife and was in constant contact with his family in Texas and Florida. His older brother finally came out and took over. But I would never want to be in that position. He would have died in Siem Reap outside under that tree. So the Hope of ever returning are pretty slim. That whole episode was a wake up call!!


I have never been political-until now.

Well I guess my interest in politics started with this administration then any previous Administrations.

This pandemic is just crazy. It’s like the keystone cops. There is no leadership from the top. States, cities, counties all doing what ever they want. Armed protesters. ARMED!! People want their liberty. Liberty to get sick and die and take along innocent people along with them. Yes the economy is in chaos. But we need to have a plan. Testing. Tracing and opening safely. Nope just cried into bars. I just dont feel safe.

Better Day Today

This covid19 has been really disorienting.

Forced to shelter in place. Not that I would go out even without shelter in place order here in California.

Yes I have been back in California since december 2018. My friend Mike is back in Thailand under restrictions


It’s been chaos all over the country.Not enough testing to safely open the economy. The hospitals overwhelmed with covid 19 patients without proper ppe. Medical staff using face masks all day long. Not changing between patients. Not enough gowns.

Bodies piling up I inside nursing homes. Hundreds dead in nursing homes. I dont think anyone was paying attention to the old people.

Prisons are petie dishes. These people cant get out. Cant fet out of nursing homes can’t get out of prison. Can you imagine think im ng you could die and nothing you can do about it. They weren’t even testing. Just dying.

Then we have meat packing plants with hundreds of positive tests when they finally tested and then bringing it out to their families and the community

Great day at Cardiff beach, California!!

Well there is nothing more uplifting then a day at the ocean! Beautiful ride along historic Route 101 along the Pacific coast.

Cardiff, California
Loving the ocean!!

Started this blog “for the lost”

I started this blog basically as an outreach to others who have been lost in the chaos.

Back in the late 60’s early 70′ there was no terminology describing domestic violence. That wasn’t even a term. Not battered women-nothing except wife beating. Which wasn’t a very pleasant term for the victims.

Of course this has been going on since the beginning of time and pretty much was ignored. It was a family affair. “Don’t hang out your dirty laundry”. Learn to be quiet.

Police were instructed to just break it up. No one was arrested and victim were left to their shame. Church’s did not support a women. And my church the Catholic church was against divorce. I cant say I ever even thought of going to a priest.

There were no domestic violence shelters. My own mother told me to “learn to be quiet”. I was young, 18 with a baby. The baby was the son who was taken by a knife to his heart. I won’t even go into that.

So I stayed. I was thrown down stairs. I had my head held in the kitchen sink. He ripped off the towel rack in bathroom and threatened me. I was miserable and had no one to turn to.

My friend knew but she never said leave. I didn’t know about social services. We lived in the “country” farms etc in upstate New York. I did have a friend whose mother had her arm broken by her father. We thought nothing of it. “Oh there goes old lady ….going to the hospital” Crazy.

So I stayed. Ashamed and humiliated that “my husband” would hurt me. It must be me. My parents won’t help.My friend won’t help. So I will just be quiet.

I know this is way to depressing. But it has a purpose. To reach people or women in particular that have faced challenges and think that they are alone. This blog is to connect the possibly lost!!

It isn’t all dark. I went to Oceanside beach in California and it was theraputic. Love the ocean!!

Day at Oceanside Beach in county of San Diego, CA
Same place-different direction

After my son died.

At the time my son died I was still working on getting my life after divorce on track. This did not help. At the time I had just started at State University. I continued going to class. I continued working. But going to work and dealing with the public was just too much for me to handle. I went out on partial disability from my job. But I continued school. I didn’t take a full load, but dropped a class. It kept me going. Having a goal. The three daughters remaining struggled along. I changed their school. But they didn’t adjust and returned to school in the community. I had wanted them to be away from everything where their brother died.

My oldest daughter went to live with her father. I think. To tell you the truth I am not sure. Everything was in a fog. She has never spoken about her brother and didn’t allow me to speak of him either. I remember driving to class and being almost transported. I should have told my professors what had happened. Because my grades tanked. It’s just a blurr. I had no family in California. My parents had both passed away in my twenties. I was an only child. My sons friends were there for us. Especially his best friend since he was four years old. That was comforting. So it was a pretty lonely road.

They arrested the man who murdered my son. There was a trial. He was convicted of second degree murder and given 27 years to life. We all attended the trial. My oldest daughter needed to testify. The judge had to clear the court of the gang bangers because they were yelling at my sons girlfriend calling her a bitch. I lost it and had our DA have the judge ban them from the trial. I don’t even remember what the murderer looked like. We all gave our victim impact statements. He was gone. Things were pretty rough financially. The victims fund payed for my sons funeral. They also would pay for counseling. The girls didnt want to go. I went to the psychiatrist and had anti depressants prescribed. I didn’t get counseling. I don’t know why. My aunt died six months later and we all flew to New York. We stayed at her house in the Bronx and got to see my cousins and my children’s fathers family. She left us money from insurance her sale of the house and bank accounts. Which helped our financial situation. But our psychological situation was dire. I had been pretty alone after the divorce and trying to get on my feet. I wasn’t working when I divorced. The twins were only one and a half when I left and then my father died. He left me etc and I lived in his 2 bedroom home in the country 50 miles outside of NYC. I stayed with the kids for six months but decided it would be brutal in the winter and would have to build on to accommodate six people. So I left and returned to our home in San Diego. I rented out his house. By now the twins were three and Megan the middle was four. My oldest Jerry was ten and my oldest daughter Claire was eight.

Not all doom and gloom. Actually at my oldest daughter’s hometown with my two grandchildren.


Lakes in Irvin, CA
Pretty cool shopping center with playyard for the kiddies in Irvine, , CA

Should I stay or should I go?

Well I really cant leave Cali until I consult with surgeon in LA.

I heard from my little Cambodian family. The son, sister and mom have dengue fever. Its epidemic in Cambodia Its transmitted by mosquitoes. I have texted but have not received a response. I hope they are ok. Shophan the father, who is tuk tuk driver list his mother and brother to the Khmer rouge. Poi Pet killed thousands of Cambodians. There are hardly any older folks in Cambodia. They were all

killed around 1979. That’s why Sophan adopted me as Grandma. They have no parents. Sad. Angelina Jolie made movie from the book “First they killed my Father”.

I not only lost my son that day. I lost my twins. They don’t speak to me. I don’t see their sons, my grandsons. It is very painful. My twins were just turning 15 when their brother died. He was the man of the family. Everyone was psychologically damaged. None of us were able to help the other. I know they looked to me, but I was a mess. My ex turned out to be the knight in shining armour.

The trauma of abuse-then the trauma of murder.

Things were kind of ok. I had been working part-time at my government job and attending university full-time. I had been divorced or separated for about ten years. My oldest was 22, my youngest were 14. Finally I would finish school and maybe move up in my job. I had a late start. But now at 41 and finally working on finishing my B. A. I had refined ance the house in order to have need surgery at the time and decided to take the money and finish school. Something for me. I couldn’t work full-time and go to school at night. That would be leaving the kids all day and night. So I put off going to school. So this was my chance. I just finished up at community college and had started at State. One month into it and tragedy struck. My oldest and only son knifed to death at his sisters. By the Crips gang. This was in my neighborhood. This was not a gang infested area. This was a nice bedroom community in San Diego. This was crazy!!! My oldest daughter had watched as her brother was murdered. He all dressed up in his suit from the wedding. Not knowing that outside the house were gang bangers robbing kids from the next community over at knife point. They finished with the kids on the lawn then came to the front door. They wanted in. My daughter asked them to leave. They threatened her with a brick until my son broke thru and pushed them back, but they crashed in anyway. A fight broke out in the living room. The kids in the backyard were oblivious to what was happening in the house. The one guy pulled a knife and threatened my son. My son laughed at him and told him to put away the knife and that he was holding him for the police. The guy stabbed him in the heart and ran. He died an hour later in the trauma unit.

I arrived at the hospital. One of my sons friends called me to come quickly. I was only a 5 minute drive away.

My daughter was in a police car at the hospital. She was hysterical. I had them get her and we hugged and cried and waited. The doctor came out. I don’t even remember what he said. Only that my son was dead.

Trauma-my original reason for “Where are the lost”

I have been in California since December 2018. I returned from living in Cambodia for the past year. And before that Thailand. Came back for several months in 2017 to California then returned to SEA.

I am back now for medical. Had no health insurance in Cambo. It is expensive to buy. Thailand has great medical and hospitals but you need to pay for upfront. But it is way way cheaper than the states.

Anyway I am back. Found I needed eye surgery. Fine did that. Then had an attack in Seaport Village and went swallowing. So now I have to go to W. LA to see surgeon.

This would be fine-but I have no place to live. Right now I am at old friends. Paying for food and rent but its temporary. Cant find anywhere to live that I can afford!! Its totally crazy..

I am 69

I divorced the abuser. Worked at a government job, but they didn’t take out #SS. I finished college to get better job within job. Nope, that didn’t help. Finally I quit. Got my Real Estate license. That was not the easiest. Lots and lots of competition. You need money to make money. Anyway-big crash. Boom no sales. I did return again to school and earned my Special Education Teaching credential. But I was 57. Didnt realize they needed spec ed teachers but not 57 year old teachers!! Long story short-not a big check!!!

So I am stuck in California until I get my surgery. Whenever that will be. Don’t get a consult until July 18th. So I am in limbo. Can’t go back to SEA. That’s where the trauma is creeping in.

The trauma is my kids. My oldest, my son was murdered at his sisters rented house she shared with other students. My son and I were at his friends wedding. We just arrived. Twenty minutes later he was gone. He was 22. She was 20.

Find the need to vent.

I started this blog actually about connecting to people that have been thru trauma and had been lost in the shuffle. Then it sort of followed my adventures in Thailand and Cambodia. but now that I find myself back in San Diego with a strong desire to scream.

I have a friend, Leon. Leon is the person who introduced me to SEA. That would be Southeast Asia. If not for him I would have stayed in the states and travelled in my Roadtrek van RV.

San Diego in California is awesome-but its soooo expensive!!!

Well U have been back home for five months. And I still haven’t found a place to live.  Have been staying with friends and air bnb.  I wanted to get all my medical tests rct tskrn care of while here in California.  I have fone thag. After taking care of the American in Cambodia and seeing where you can wind up it spooked me.  He is still in Thailand care facility. But its been alot if yhings to get dond snd scheduling appontmrnts. I did buy a car. I didnt want to; but I needed transpo. I loved the bus and trolley and train. T Bus was only $17 to ride sroind the ehole city. Ocean beach, pscific beach, Torrey Pines and so many mkre all along the coast. California is beautiful!! I mived hete in 1970. I know I am old.  It was fabulous.  Never regretted moving from New York. Loved New York stuff. Broadway, green grern green. Manhattan. Its had charm.  But who can afford to live in Manhattan.  But who csn afford to live in California!!! Anyway I Am stuck. I had cataract surgery. And now i msy need some surgery. So I am stuck.  I will go to Thsilsnd. My friebd Leon just returned to Bang sa ray outside Pattaya.  He was here in Califirnia visiting his parents. Actually taking care of Mom while his Dad  and sister went tk Austria fir two weeks. Hud mom falls diwn snd needs someone there. But she is difficult. Anyway he us back. Found a great one bedroom two balconies, huge pool, 50′ pool (he likes to swim) and great gym and compmetrly furnushed with everything. Wifi, a/c two flat screebs tv’s. For $270 a month!!!  Propane and electric come to maybd $25.  I will go back.  MY littkr Cambiduan familh sent me voice mail and vuso calls.  They say “come back to Cambodia, Grandma” So cute.

I have so many things I want to do here in California, But its just not meant to be!!!